UP THE FOOD CHAIN

Blind Side with Sandra Bullock is excellent and I highly recommend it. Based on a true story, a southern housewife rescues a homeless black teenager, giving him a home and a future. The screenwriter does a wonderful job in giving us a story that bleeds with heart and guts. Bullock plays the southern woman with a passion that shows us the fearlessness of a mother protecting her young. Quinton Aaron is flawless as the traumatized young man who went on to become an All American football player and a first round draft pick for the NFL. How he gets there is a dramatic and uplifting story. This is a don't-miss movie! Directing, acting, script are all in the 5 star category.    

And then there's Avatar... I waited until it came out on DVD and it was worth the wait. The CGI and FX are outstanding, the acting more than competent and the storyline fun. I give it a four out of 5 stars. The only thing holding this SF movie from a full five stars is the unoriginality of the story. It's cliché to the umpth degree. The natives on the planet are very much like our Native Americans with spirituality based on a relationship with nature and the planet. How much more unique and special this film could have been had they come up with an original story-line. They spent their creativity in world building--and my God, what world building they did!—and left the plot to copy our own Native American experience with the only difference being in who wins. As a moral lesson, it is unneeded since we've either learned that lesson or we never will. 

STEAK AND MUSHROOM PIE   (substitute whole turkey breast for beef)  

(single 9" pie)	(9X11 rectangular pan)
1 lb. steak, cut into 1 ½" pieces (or turkey breast or bison)	2 lb. steak
8 ¾ oz. flour (8 oz is for pie crust so cut to 3/4 oz.)	1.5 oz. flour + 16 oz. flour
salt & pepper	salt & pepper
½ medium onion	1 med onion
1 oz. oil (canola)	2 oz. oil
2 oz.lard (subbing Bisquik so delete this)	4 oz. lard
2 oz. mushrooms	4 oz. mushrooms
2 oz. margarine (delete if using Bisquik)	4 oz. butter
egg wash* or milk to brush	egg wash* or milk to brush

 

Season ¾ oz. flour w/ salt & pepper & toss meat in flour.

Thinly slice onion. Fry onion gently in 1 oz. oil (2 TBS) for 5 minutes. Remove onion and fry meat for 10 minutes. If using fresh mushrooms, fry with meat.

Stir onions & 5 oz. (I use more like 8 oz. a cup) water in & simmer covered for 1 ¼ hours. (Add mushrooms now if using canned.) Turn into 9" pie pan and leave until cold.

Sift 8 oz. flour & pinch salt. Rub in 2 oz. lard and 2 oz. margarine. Mix to stiff dough with cold water.

Roll pastry & trim ½" wide strip. Grease edges of dish and press pastry strip around. Moisten strip, cover with pastry round and press edges to seal. Brush w/ egg or milk. Cook 15 mins @ 425, then 35-40 mnutes at 350.

Note: When substituting Turkey Breast for Beef steak, add worcestershire sauce (maybe ¼ tsp), 1 beef bouillon cube and a little Kitchen Bouquet (maybe 1 TBS) to gravy.

*egg wash = 1 egg + 2-3 TBS cold water (whisked vigorously)

  Variations for Robert :  Instead of flour, you may thicken with tomato paste--for the 9 in. pie, I suggest a couple of tsp.   When using turkey breast instead of beef, I'd use some beef bouillon (low sodium) and add a maybe a 1/4 tsp. worcestershire and 1/2 tsp. of Kitchen Bouquet.

Instead of turkey breast, you could subsitute Bison (buffalo) meat.  It is rich in flavor and is healthier than chicken or turkey--very low in fat.  I think bison would really be good in something like this.

Instead of the pie crust, of course, you can subsitute your Bisquik mix. 

By the way, I posted the original recipe (for the 9" pan) and one that has been doubled which works well for families (for a 9X11 pan).

Chicken in Onion Gravy Patricia McFarland 6/16/08  

3 small chicken breasts, skinless & boneless
½ c. flour   --- you may skip the flour to make more heart healthy
2 tsp. kosher salt – substitute Mrs. Dash – if you can have salt at all, use maybe a dash
½ tsp. freshly ground pepper
1 TBS. Hungarian Paprika
1 small Vidalia or sweet onion (around ¼ c) coarsely chopped
½ c. dark chicken stock (they sell in soup aisle at grocery)
1/8 c. Canola oil (use non-stick pan)  

Sprinkle chicken breasts with Mrs. Dash, a dash of salt (if allowed), pepper and Paprika.   Heat non-stick skillet on Med. to Med. High. Add Oil to skillet. Fry 5-6 minutes until browned, reduce heat to medium, cook another 3-4 minutes until done. Turn and fry on other side until browned. Remove chicken from skillet and add onion. Fry until begins to carmelize. Reduce heat to low. Add 1 TBSP. tomato paste to skillet and stir, then add chicken stock and stir well, deglazing the pan. Cook until thickened a little. 

Add chicken back to pan and simmer for a few minutes until chicken is totally done.   (If you want to use my original recipe with flour, holler.)    

FISH CHOWDER  

4 large potatoes, sliced
3 medium onions, sliced
1 c. chopped celery
4 whole cloves
1 garlic clove, minced
1 TBS. salt (or substitute)
       Eri's Note: Don't add salt until potatoes are cooked through or they'll be mushy
1 bay leaf
¼ tsp. dill seed
¼ tsp. white pepper
2 16 oz. pkgs. frozen flounder fillets, thawed
2 c. half and half (USE 1% milk instead)
½ c. white wine
¼ c. butter (USE heart healthy butter substitute and reduce amount)  

My additions: 1 bottle clam juice (probably 8 oz.) 2 cans clams with juice  

ABOUT 50 MINUTES BEFORE SERVING In covered Dutch oven or kettle over medium heat, simmer potatoes, onions, celery, cloves, garlic, salt, bay leaf, dill seed, pepper and 1 cup water about 25 minutes until vegetables are tender (add optional clams and clam juice with potatoes, etc.). Discard bay leaf and whole cloves. Cut fish into large chunks. Add fish, 1 cup water and remaining ingredients to vegetables.   Heat, stirring occasionally. Makes 13 cups or 8 servings.      

Couscous with Scallions Recipe courtesy Amanda Cushman (Food Network)

1 tablespoon canola oil 1 1/2 cups fat-free reduced-sodium chicken broth or water 1/2 cup chopped scallions 1 cup plain couscous 2 tablespoons chopped flat-leaf parsley, optional Salt and freshly ground black pepper   In a medium saucepan, combine the oil and chicken broth or water, and bring to a simmer. Stir in the scallions and couscous and cover the pan. Remove the pan from the heat and let stand for 5 minutes. When the couscous has absorbed all the liquid, fluff it with a fork, and add the parsley, if using, and salt and pepper. Serve warm.

 

Recipe Summary Difficulty: Easy Prep Time: 5 minutes Inactive Prep Time: 5 minutes Cook Time: 5 minutes Yield: 4 to 6 servings User Rating:

   

Salmon in a Couscous Crust Recipe courtesy Tyler Florence (Food Network)

1/2 bunch fresh flat-leaf parsley, chopped 1/4 cup golden raisins, coarsely chopped 3 tablespoons coarsely chopped green olives 2 tablespoons capers, chopped 3 tablespoons pine nuts, toasted and coarsely chopped 1/4 cup extra-virgin olive oil, plus extra for drizzling 1 lemon, juiced Salt and freshly ground black pepper 1 1/2 cups couscous (see note) 2 (6-ounce) salmon fillets skinned 2 cups water Preheat the oven to 375 degrees F. In a large bowl, stir together the parsley, raisins, olives, capers, pine nuts, olive oil, and lemon juice and season with salt and pepper; stir in the couscous to moisten completely and season generously with salt and pepper. Put the salmon in a single layer in a smallish buttered gratin dish or baking dish (bottom measured 10 by 7 1/4 inches; 2.8 liter); the fillets should not touch one another. Sprinkle with salt and pepper and drizzle with a little olive oil. Now spoon the couscous mixture over the top of the fish so that it completely covers them and fills in the whole dish at the same time. Pour over the water. Drizzle with olive oil. Put the dish in the oven and bake 25 minutes. Use a large spoon to spoon out the salmon and the couscous. Note: 1 cup couscous plus 1 1/3 cups water is a better quantity to serve 2 if you have a smaller gratin dish or baking dish (remaining quantities are the same).

 

Recipe Summary Difficulty: Easy Prep Time: 25 minutes Cook Time: 25 minutes Yield: 2 servings User Rating:

Phil's Barbeque Sauce  

Cut-down version
1 pt. catsup (use low-carb catsup to make it healthier)
1 pt. water
¼ pt. vinegar
1 TBSP. butter (use butter substitute that has flavor)
Pinch Salt & Pepper
2 tsp. red pepper flakes
2 cloves garlic, minced fine  

Simmer 20 minutes.   This sauce is best after allowing smoked pork ribs to simmer in it for at least a couple of hours. The sauce thickens and the ribs add smoky flavor.   This recipe is one I've never given out before. It's my family's recipe that my father used (and before him my aunt) in their restaurants. People came from four states to eat my dad's ribs. 

You can use this to glaze chicken on the barbecue pit or for pulled pork sandwiches. (Use it once for ribs for the flavor and then save and use on sandwiches or for chicken.)    The low-carb catsup is my substitution because there is little or no sugar in it.      

COLE SLAW (from my good friend, Annie)  

First, remember that red cabbage is much better for you than the usual green.   Chop the cabbage finely, add some green pepper if you’re so inclined.  

Mix:  
Red Cabbage (you can get pre-shredded at grocery)
About 3 tablespoons non-fat Mayo
1 teaspoon sugar (I use Splenda)
a little skim milk  
mix together until smooth. 

Mix in with cabbage.  

THIS IS ALSO A GOOD DRESSING OVER:   Broccoli, large chunks of raw carrots, chopped tomato, raw onion, and a little cubed low fat cheese, such as feta or mozzarella. THIS IS A WONDERFUL SALAD THAT I TAKE TO LOTS OF FAMILY DINNERS. You can add a handful of sunflower seeds for protein, and it’s a wonderful meal in itself.    

 
ANNIE’S COQ AU VIN   

(This would be a good dish for you to make when you have plenty of time. It bakes for three hours. But, I think you could do the same thing and leave it all day in the Crockpot. Just fix it the night before, plug it in before you go to work, and you have dinner ready when you get home.)  

One package drumsticks (Dark meat makes better coq au vin, and the bones add to the flavor. (Eri's Note: I always use breasts AND drumsticks.)  
Boiling onions, or pearl onions (frozen are already peeled and trust me, you WANT them pre-peeled!)
Baby carrots
Portabella mushrooms
Burgundy
salt or salt substitute & pepper  

IN THE PAN YOU’RE GOING TO BAKE THE CASSEROLE IN, put a little olive oil. Roll chicken legs in white flour, dust off excess. Season with salt (or substitute) and pepper.  Brown legs quickly. Remove from heat. Do not drain the chicken. Leave the drippings and olive oil in the pan.   Add vegetables. Tthe amount depends on your favorites. 

Place vegetables around the chicken.  COMPLETELY cover the chicken and vegetables with burgundy. Cover with tight fitting lid. Bake at 325 degrees for THREE HOURS.           

Annie's NO FAT CREME BRULEE  
Heat oven to 350.  

In tea kettle or sauce pan, boil water. Pour boiling water into baking pan that you will set your custard in to bake. This needs to be baked in a hot water bath.  

MIX  
1/2 egg beaters
2 cups skim milk
2 teaspoons vanilla
SMALL dash salt
Sweeten to taste (I use about 3 tablespoons)  

Pour into GLASS baking dish or individual baking cups. Set filled glass baking dish in larger baking pan filled with boiling water. Place in oven. Bake one hour.   CAREFULLY remove from oven. Sprinkle liberally with brown sugar. Put back in the oven under the broiler. WATCH CAREFULLY. Leave under the broiler just long enough to melt the brown sugar and the sugar begins to bubble.   This is best served cold.      


Annie's SAUTÉED SHRIMP AND VEGETABLES  

PURCHASE AMOUNTS IN RATIOS OF YOUR PREFERENCE  

In wok, heat about 4 Tablespoons olive oil, peanut oil or canola oil.

Add:  
Sliced onion
snow peas
portabella mushrooms
3 cloves garlic, minced  

Sauté about 3 or 4 minutes.   Add about one pound raw, peeled shrimp. Sauté until cooked. About 5 minutes. Sprinkle with salt (or substitute). Serve hot. 

I would probably serve this at home over hot linguini tossed with garlic and olive oil.  

Eris' Notes: I would serve this over brown rice. If you're not a fan of brown rice, use low-sodium chicken stock instead of water to cook the rice in. I used to not care for brown rice, but after using it rather than white for some time, white rice is now bland and boring.  

If you want chicken instead of shrimp, slice raw chicken (it's easier to slice if you put in freezer for an hour) into thin strips and sautee in oil first, then add the vegetables. 

You may add soy sauce (low-sodium variety or use other Chinese flavorings – play with this – you'll come out with some wonderful tasting food!) Add grated fresh ginger root to the vegetable sautee for a taste treat. (You can freeze ginger and use as you need.)  

From the web, some Chinese ingredients you might want to try in stir-fry:

• Chinese Rice Wine - It adds flavor and is good for removing strong odors, such as fish. (If rice wine is unavailable, use dry sherry).
• Chinese Dried Black Mushrooms - These are found in bins in Asian markets. Cheaper brands work fine in soups and stir-fries.
• Cornstarch - Used in marinades, and as a thickener. Can substitute for tapioca starch in recipes.
• Garlic - Along with ginger, it is often used to season cooking oil.
• Gingerroot - Always use fresh ginger unless the recipe states otherwise.
• Spring Onions (Green Onions, Scallions) - Often used as as garnish, or added to stir-fries in the wok.
• Oyster Sauce - Made from boiled oysters and seasonings, this rich savory sauce is used in meat and vegetables dishes, and is one of the key ingredients in Cantonese cooking.
• Rice - Long grain for meals; short grain or "sticky" rice for desserts or snacks. Feel free to use scented Jasmine rice.
• Rice Vinegar - White rice vinegar (also just called rice vinegar) has a delicate flavor that is much less harsh than regular white vinegar.
• Asian Sesame Oil - Used as a flavoring in stir-fries and soups.
• Soy Sauce - both light and dark. The bottles are not always clearly labeled, but you can tell by holding it up to the light - dark soy sauce is thicker and darker.
• Chili Paste - Made with chilies, salt, garlic, ginger and oil. A small amount of this spicy seasoning adds heat to stir-fries, marinades and sauces.
• Oil for Deep-frying and Stir-frying - Traditionally, the Chinese use peanut oil. However, you can use a vegetable oil, such as canola. Vegetable oil is healthier; also, peanut oil goes rancid sooner, which can be a problem if you're just getting into Chinese cuisine and don't cook Chinese food often. (Eri's note: You should use either peanut oil or canola because you need high-smoking point oil for stir fry)

With the exception of rice wine and dried black mushrooms, these ingredients can usually be found in the ethnic or international section of many supermarkets. They are all available at Chinese/Asian markets. Dry sherry can be purchased at a liquor store.    

Annie's ASPARAGUS AND HAM ROLLS  

This is good if you’ve cooked fresh asparagus spears and have a few left over.  
Cream cheese (use low-fat for heart healthy)
Sliced Healthy Choice Fat Free Ham Slices
Cooked Asparagus spears  
Soften cream cheese. Spread on ham slices. 

Place asparagus spear on ham slice and roll. Chill, seam side down. Sometimes the ham slices are very thin, so you may want to use two on each spear. These would also be good for you to make a day ahead, chill, and take to your work when you have parties you need to take something to. (Add a little minced garlic to the cream cheese, and you’ve got them all for yourself!)  

Eri's note: I'd add a bit of parsley and garlic to the cream cheese since low-fat isn't as flavorful as regular cream cheese.      

Annie's CREAM CHEESE SANDWICHES  

These are so easy to make. Get a really good bread (I prefer pumpernickle) and spread a THICK layer of cream cheese on one slice.  
Top with any of the following, or combine:  
Sliced cucumbers
Watercress
Chives
Sliced green onions
Any kind of sprouts  

Eri's note: Again, I'd add some LIGHT garlic flavor to the cream cheese. Garlic is so good for your heart, too!!!!!!    

Annie's NO FAT SQUASH AND TURKEY   Buy SMALL yellow squash. Cut into lengths. Wrap with Healthy Choice Turkey slices.  

Eri's note: Add some fresh romaine to this for some crispy crunch You could also add sprouts to it, thin Roma tomato slices, sliced olives or pickles. You could even add a smear of low-fat cream cheese or yogurt to it.   A touch of dill would brighten it.

When using cream cheese, I have a feeling that adding a dash of fresh lemon juice and some grated lemon zest would really make a flavor treat!     

HealthCare American Style  
by P. McFarland  
Copyright Ó 1999              

J. Dash Proofdock, M.D., flew through the open window, landed in the middle of the room, hung his purple cape in the closet, set his black doctor's bag down and grabbed his white lab coat from a hook behind the door. Late by 5 minutes for his first patient, he slipped it on hurriedly, stethoscope hanging jauntily from the pocket, and buttoned it. Six-foot plus four more inches, blond hair and steady blue eyes, a man of such stature and visage that he stopped women's conversations when he walked into a room.    

He unlocked his door, opened it and called, "Ginger, ready for my first patient in 5." He took the 5 to gulp down black coffee.              

Ginger Vitus, his short, redheaded nurse, had been with him for 10 years now but she still got a catch in her throat whenever he entered a room. Such a dedicated, wonderful doctor. Not to mention handsome and self-confident. She sighed. She puzzled over just how early he came into the office; never once in 10 years had she witnessed his arrival. She couldn't check because he kept his door locked and he had made it clear that he did not allow anyone to knock on his door or bother him in the mornings. He must be using those early office hours to catch up on medical journals and review patient charts.    

"Room 5 or 5 minutes?" she called back to the doctor. When he didn't answer, she shrugged and waited precisely 5 minutes.    

The new secretary, a bleached blonde named Twinkie Deblonde, chewed gum, buffed her fingernails and wondered if J. Dash was married. When his 6'4"ness walked by, she buffed harder, bit her tongue and swallowed her gum.                

"Close your mouth, Twinkie." Ginger sniffed as she collected the spry elderly patient to take him to Examining Room 5.     Ushering him in, she politely announced, "Dudley Dumbuddis, Dr. Proofdock," and left.    

The doctor leaned back in his chair and peered closely at his patient who leaned forward uncomfortably in his chair. "Well, Mr. Dumbuddis, what seems to be the complaint today?"                

Dudley considered for a minute. "Well, Dr. Dash…"                

"Uh, that's Dr. Proofdock," J. Dash corrected him.                

"Okay, sorry Dr. Roofdick."                

J. Dash frowned and wrote hurriedly on his prescription pad and handed it to the patient. "They can fit you with the hearing aid in the Hearing Clinic down the hall. What else?"                

"No, I don't have AIDS. Got this pain in my right shoulder."                

"What have you been doing unusual?"                

"Been abstinent and that's unusual. Wife's dead. So's old Horace." He patted his crotch.                

J. Dash scribbled hurriedly again and handed another prescription over. "Okay, Viagra should take care of that."                

"You mean it'll bring my wife back from the dead?"                

"No, but it will bring Horace back from the dead and then you can replace her."                

"Allll rrrright! New wife!" Dudley said, getting happier by the moment.                 

J. Dash poked around on the old gentleman's right shoulder.                 

"Ouch! I remember back in the winter of '91 when I first started getting twinges. Pretty good that it's taken all this time to…"                

"Profundis labrynthitis," he diagnosed and handed Dudley a prescription for Xanax.                 

"Will this help my shoulder? I sure hope…                

"No. Quit playing tennis for a couple of weeks. That will help your shoulder. Xanax will make you not care one way or the other if it hurts."                

"How did you know I play tennis? And why can't you just give me pain medication? I mean, if you think…"    

"Muscles in your right arm and shoulder more developed. Plus, you're carrying a tennis racket. Drug Enforcement Agency arrests doctors who prescribe pain medications."    

"What, are they afraid I'll get addicted to pain relief? And if I don't exercise, I get depressed. I been exercising every day for the last…"                

"Okay, this will take care of that." He handed him a prescription for Prozac.                 

Dudley happily rose from his chair. "Why, thank you, Doctor."                

"Now, Mr. Dumbuddis, I should warn you that occasionally antidepressants can interfere with sexual function. I want to see you back in 3 months…" …and wrote the order on his charge sheet.                

"Oh, by the way, Doc, nice tights."                

Dash looked down to see his legs still encased in purple tights beneath his lab coat. Red-faced, he made a beeline for his office to put on his suit pants.    

•              
  

Outside the examining room again, Dudley crumpled up the prescription for Prozac and threw it away. He clutched the precious Viagra prescription to his chest.              

At the front desk, Twinkie took his charge order and prescriptions, noted the missing Prozac scrip, sent them all down via vacuum tube to the pharmacy one floor below and scheduled his next office visit for three months. When the tube returned his filled prescriptions, she gave him a copy of both the doctor's and pharmacy's bills that would be sent to the insurance carrier who had a satellite office next door.     

•                
  

The insurance papers were placed on a conveyor belt and shuttled to the satellite office where a clerk sat at a desk lined with self-inking stamps. The clerk, Random DeNile, alternated stamps without even looking at the papers cycling through. His attention centered on the soap opera playing on the television. When the Dumbuddis papers came to him on the conveyor belt, he stamped them, his eyes never leaving the TV screen. After a busy day of stamping, he would order pizza to be delivered and curl up in the sleeping bag his employers had thoughtfully provided for him. And, occasionally, they sent him some ibuprofen for the pain in his stamping arm. (Insurance people always managed to find access to pain medications.) What the hell, he thought. It's better than being homeless. Which is where the insurance big wigs had originally found him before they set him up in an office and gave him a sleeping bag and a television set.                 

Outside the insurance carrier's satellite office, the conveyor belt carried the elderly patient's insurance papers back to him. He read "Coverage denied due to experimental nature of medications" and promptly died of a heart attack and fell onto the conveyor belt. His last thought as he fell onto the belt was, "Damn, and I didn't even get to try the Viagra." The automated conveyor belt noted the heavier weight of its new load and carried him onward to the coroner's office.    

•                
  

Ginger ushered J. Dash's second patient into a treatment room and J. Dash checked to make sure he was completely dressed this time before briskly entering the room. "Well, Mrs. Infrack, you were just here last week. What's the problem?"                

"Oh, please, Dr. Proofdock, won't you call me Frick?"                

"Yes, but why are you here today?"                

"I've been having these episodes where my heart just beats so hard and fast and then keeps skipping beats."                

"When did this start?"                

"Oh, about 10 minutes into my last visit with you."                

Dash wrote on a prescription pad and handed it to his patient.                

She looked at what he had written and smiled. "Would you be available?" Dash had prescribed one encounter with a man in the back seat of her car.                

"I suggest a mechanic. They know how to make engines purr."     

•    
  

The coroner's office took one look at the bottles of pills on Dumbuddis, stamped "Death due to prescription medications", pocketed the Viagra, filed the insurance papers on the newly deceased man and the conveyor belt carried them away. This time Random DeNile stamped, "Coverage approved. Patient deceased. Premium due" and sent the papers to the probate court where the lawyers dutifully argued over Dudley's meager possessions and eventually split them between themselves and the insurance company.    

•                
  

Meanwhile back in J. Dash's office, the staff broke for lunch.      Ginger knocked on the door of Dash's inner sanctum. "Thought you might like some of the Chinese we ordered." She proffered a Styrofoam container and J. Dash took it gratefully.     

"Why, thank you, Ginger. How very thoughtful." He sat behind his cherry wood desk in a plush leather chair and opened the container of Sesame Chicken, his favorite. He noticed that his entrance that morning had disturbed the Monet hanging beside his desk and he straightened it, appreciating how the beautiful pastels contrasted perfectly with the cherry wood.     

Ginger saw the open window and made a mental note to close it while he was seeing his afternoon patients. He should appreciate the energy conservation, she thought. "By the way, we lost Mr. Dumbuddis. He keeled over after he got an insurance denial of coverage."    

J. Dash sighed and handed the Styrofoam container back. "I think I've lost my appetite. Cancel Dumbuddis' next appointment. We really must do something about the insurance man next door." The phone rang and he answered.                

"Dr. Proofdock, your wife called," Twinkie said.                

"I don't have a wife!" he replied with irritation. Every new receptionist tried that line with him.                
"Oh good. Just checking." She went back to buffing her fingernails and dreamed of being a doctor's wife.    

•                
  

J. Dash ruminated over the problem with the insurance officer next door. He had met DeNile just once when J. Dash had stormed into the insurance office wanting to know how they could justify denying payment on digitalis for a heart patient. DeNile, upset over having his Soap Operas interrupted, had responded that digitalis stopped pain and was therefore a pain medication and illegal.     

Thoughtfully, J. Dash dialed The PawnShop and sold them DeNile's television. The PawnShop didn't ask any questions about ownership. When the two "pick-up men" came to take the television, DeNile protested that it belonged to him. After the "pick-up men" broke both his arms, he quit protesting and tried to get his health insurance to pay the medical bills. They denied the claim because it was work related and suggested he file for Workmen's Compensation. Workman's Comp denied his claim because he wasn't supposed to watch television at work and suggested he file with his health insurance.

•                
  

J. Dash stopped Ginger in the hall outside his office. "It's been a long day, Ginger. Let's pack it up for the evening."      

Ginger wanted to brush the weariness away from his face. "I'll just close up after you leave."    

"No, you go ahead and lock up. I'll take a few minutes to meditate my blues away. It makes for a tough day when you deal with patients who don't follow your advice, don't take their medications and then some just die anyway despite your best efforts." He longed for the freedom of the nights when he could pull kittens from trees, little boys from sewers, women from the grasp of muggers and rapists, stitch up cuts and remove appendixes.                

Dr. Proofdock trudged back into his private office, hung his lab coat back on its hook and retrieved his cape and tights from the closet. Donning the bright purple garments, he picked up his little black bag, beat his chest, yodeled and jumped out the window. It would have been a smoother exit if he'd remembered to check that the window was open first. Pigeons scattered in every direction, evading flying glass and the man in a purple cape with the big SD on his chest. J. Dash Proofdock, SuperDoc, was on the job.              

Cats are wonderful little beings. I continue to learn about my little guys. Mercury is the adventurous one, always ready to explore, to taste (he does like peanut butter and certain cheeses—edam he doesn't like so well but fresh parmesan—num num!), needing to be in on any action, craving human contact, petting, rubbing, snuggling, belly rubs. He's a wimp, though, when it thunders. Poor little guy. Thunder-boomers send him scurrying for my bedroom to hide under Mom's bed. If he can't get in there, the look of panic on his face is heartrending.    

Now Phoenix, who has claimed the role of Alpha Cat because of Mercury's fear of thunder, turned wimp yesterday when I opened the car door and said, "Let's go for a ride."   The exterminator was here (my quarterly preventive spraying) and I had to keep the little guys out of the house for a half hour while it dried.    

Mercury was immediately in the back window, raring to go. Phoenix had to be put into the car, as in picked up and deposited therein under protest. As soon as I pulled out of the garage, he climbed in front of my seat, sat down on the floorboard and refused to move from there, whining every so often. I drove around the block and parked at the park and drove a bit more, Phoenix never leaving the floorboard but Mercury exploring every window. I now have kitty nose prints on most of my car windows. Next time, Phoenix goes in the carry case, Merc gets to make more nose prints.    

I was surprised that Phoenix didn't want to look out the windows. He's usually glued to the window in the front room. I have a kitty tower under it and he frequently curls up there when he doesn't have his nose pressed to the window. He's always looking out that window when I pull in the driveway at night. Kitty in the window waiting for Mom to arrive. And then he's at the kitchen door when I come in. They're just as welcoming as dogs, just not quite as outgoing about it.     

When Tobias was still with me, I left for a bit over a week for a trip to Paris. I had someone come twice a day to feed him, check his water, etc. When I arrived back from Paris and walked in the door, there he was, welcoming me. Only he was not aloof about it. He jumped up into my arms and stayed there the rest of the day. Have you ever tried to unpack with a cat in your arms? My beautiful Tobias is gone now. He left one morning for his usual daily rounds and never returned. He had been with me 10 years. I learned recently that outdoor cats only live an average of four years. He was indoor-outdoor, free to come and go but always came home when I whistled for him. I'd come to the back door, whistle and my yellow cat would come running out of the woods to me. That was one cat that always came when I called. I still miss him. He will always be my first and most precious. I love my guys now just as much but differently. I'm not sure I can explain but people with children know what I mean. They love all their children but each in a different way. And the first is always special just because they WERE the first.     

Kitties are not aloof. They're just not dogs craving approval and wanting to serve. Cats don't try to protect you; they assume that, even if you are a funny-looking cat, you can take care of yourself. Cats are pride animals and the pride is everything. If you are part of the pride, they are loyal and loving; it's just expressed in a different way. Getting to know cats is challenging, entertaining and very rewarding.     

I still have to pull Merc out of the dryer every Sunday when I do laundry and they are very picky about their bedding. They like to sleep in their carry cases (doors off) and I put soft freshly laundered towels in the bottom. If one gets too old, Phoenix stands in front of his case and stares at the towel, then looks at me, then looks at the towel again and then at me. I get the hint. Time to change bedding. They do communicate. And when Phoe wants a Mommy pillow (nap with Mom) and I'm being annoying, typing away, he starts licking the mouse. It's awfully hard to use it with a cat licking it. No matter how many times I move him away, he comes right back and starting licking. I have the cleanest mouse in the neighborhood.    

I wish I could have a dozen cats. But then I'd have to hire someone to clean their litter three times a day. Or build them a big enclosed sandbox attached to the house. The sandbox would have to be self-emptying. Hmmmm. I need to invent that.    

Oh yeah, and I'd have to rob a bank to buy the kitty food. They already eat better than I do. But they're my babies and the Vet from whom I adopted my boys did tell me you're supposed to spoil cats. That Vet is one sick sumbitch.       

Nah, I don't have a gay cat. At least I don't think so. Of course, I have no idea what my two boys do while I'm at work all day.   However, I know how attached Mercury is to me. My grey striped 22 lb.'er. When I sit in my recliner, here he comes to pounce on my chest, claim ownership and lie there happily, if I'd let him. I have to move him to my left side to cuddle in there, explaining for the thousandth time that Mama can't breathe when he's on my chest.   

Where I am, he has to be. Of course, that is no different than Phoenix who has to be where I am before me, as in one step in front of me, slow. My god, I've never known an animal who could move so slowly and still be moving. If I'm in a hurry, it doesn't matter. He STILL leads the way one blinkin' inch at a time.  

At least Mercury follows me rather than leading. He lies down in the bathroom until I'm through brushing my teeth or whatever. Now Phoenix jumps up on the sink to explore how the water goes down the drain and what is that funny stuff Mom puts in her mouf?  

Mercury is afraid of thunder, so when it storms, he runs to Mom's bedroom for safety. If I am in bed and have him blocked out of the room, as soon as I come out, he tries to run in. I've never seen such a panicked animal. My instinct is to love on him and calm him and baby him but I have to remind myself that that would be encouraging him to be afraid. I try instead to show him there is nothing to fear.   

I think I made him afraid of the thunder. One night when there were storms all around and tornado sirens going off from three sides, I panicked. For the first time in a long time, I was really scared. I ran to the one closet that could give some protection and opened the door. I store things in the closet but there was just enough room for me to walk in and shut the door. I figured the cats could get up on the boxes around me in the closet. Well, I opened the door and the cats ran in, alright. Unfortunately, they settled in the open space where I was going to stand. So I stand there looking at my two sweet cats and think, "Well, if this is it, it is." I sighed and went back to the living room, the cats following. Fortunately, all was well that night. No tornadoes in my immediate vicinity.  

Mercury has been trying to sneak into my bedroom at night. He does want to sleep with Mom which I would love if only he wouldn’t decide at 4 o'clock in the morning that Mom has had enough sleep and starts knocking pictures off my dresser. I don't know what the deal is with the dresser but he absolutely has to clear the damn top off!  

Last night I was ready for bed and headed back there, put the fireplace screen in front of my door, closed the door and prepared to climb in bed. When out of my closet came one 22 lb. grey striped cat, silently padding across the carpet, hoping I wouldn't notice him and he could climb in bed with me. I opened my door and the fireplace screen and said, "OUT!" And he obediently scampered out, with one backward look that said, "Well, I almost made it!"  

So now I have to check that my closet door is closed and that there is no cat in it before climbing in bed. Yeesh, what I go through. Of course, I wouldn't have it any other way. Life with cats is definitely interesting. Trying to understand cats is challenging and entertaining to the max.  

By the way, did you know that cats have no concept about the end of Daylight Savings Time? They now want feeding at 5:30 a.m. Ain't gonna happen. Did you know kitty tails vibrate when they're pissed? Whine, whine, meow, meow, knock things off the end table, whap Mom with tail. Two pissed kitties.  They'll get over it. In a week or two. Until then, I'm not worried… unless they learn to use a baseball bat.  

Meow. 

One Box with airholes containing one Unit  

Box Dimensions:  18" X  24"  

Box Wgt. with Unit 15 lbs.  

Unit answers to Phoenix, Little Phoe, Fuzzy Butt, Little Guy, Sweetie P  

Destination: Your city, USA  

Estimated arrival date: Friday   Delivery Method: Air Express  

Unit description: whines incessantly, throws up regularly, attacks hanging strings on coat, plays polo with keyboard letters, licks the mouse (ewwww), leaves fur all over your clothes, reduces office to disaster zone with pickup required, walks on keyboard when wanting attention (your lap for a nap).

Unit care: feed and water twice daily, exercise daily with interactive play toys, brush coat daily if you can get Unit to quit wiggling, and provide tray with litter for collection of Unit waste matter.  

Benefits of ownership: When stroked and spoken softly to, Unit makes soothing purring sounds and rubs up against you.  Cuddles nicely when you're napping.  

On second thought, I'm keeping Unit. Get your own.  

So I have H1N1. Sigh. Feel like shit. Hope my kitties don’t catch a version of it. This is a lighter version than what the youngsters are getting. I must have had some antibodies crawling through my lymph system from back in the 50's when something similar was making the rounds. 

Fortunately, I have an arsenal of homeopathics and alternative therapies to assist me.   Been taking Sambuchus (Sambucol, aka elderberry extract) which the Israeli Army has been taking for a long time to get their people over viruses (virii?) faster. I also use Nasopure which is a saline sinus wash (three times a day right now) which keeps my congestion down. I can breathe! When I get up in the morning, I'm all congested again and head right for the Nasopure.  

I take homeopathics, that dissolve in my mouth, for asthma, bronchitis, sinus and cough. The cough one has done wonders. Every time I start with the coughing, that knocks it out again.  

I'm keeping my brand new humidistat at 50%.  

Now, for the best part. I have kitties who nap with me all day—well, as long as I get up and feed them at the appropriate times. It's almost litter cleaning time now. I just got up for maybe ½ an hour to check e-mail and HZ (to give TB a hard time—and well he deserves it! ) and another couple of sites I frequent (writers' sites).  

My little guys have been so sweet. No whining, no demands. I can almost hear them thinking, "We'd better be quiet.   Mom doesn't feel good. Maybe if we're real good, she'll give us snacks when she feels better."    

I hear sleep calling me again.   

Hope the H1N1 bypasses you guys.

Well, they've found a new way to get your money.  They hack your e-mail and send messages to your friends telling them you have some kind of trouble, i.e. you're stranded in England and need hotel money.  Just so you know, if I get stranded in England, don't send me hotel money, send me beer money.  I'll sleep in the back room where they store the warm beer.

In England, you do NOT chill beer.  It tastes like dishwater just like American beer tastes like dishwater if warm.

They're pulling people in with FUNNY PIC and shit like that in the subject line.  It was on the Today show today as opposed to the Today show tomorrow or the Tomorrow show yesterday.

Good night, Irene.

I got my L back!  New keyboard.  Which I hate.  It's so mushy, I could add water, boil it, slice it, fry it and have it for breakfast.  Damn, that sounds good!  I may just have to make some cornmeal mush.

Little bitty kitties, you got a lot to answer for!  Right after we take a nap all cuddled up together.   I hear a purr calling me.

Wegg, now the kitties have reaggy done it!  So I get up this morning to find my keyboard on the fgoor and the spacebar and g missing (the getter after k which I am now typing as a "g" since it's gone, gone, gone).  Kitties must have pgayed pogo with it.  Arggggggggh!  Bof of my gittge boys are in the doghouse this morning!

 

It wigg take days for Degg to get me a new keyboard here and in the meantime, what am I going to do for an L?  I can use my scissors and type the l by poking it but that is rather tedious!  Sheeeeeeeettttttt!

 

My cats get reaggy reaggy pissed at Mom when she sits at the computer and they want to nap on Mom.  Now,  how do I keep them from knocking my keyboard off?  And where the L is my L?