Those of you who may have followed some of my recent comments on “Geek Speak” may have noticed I have a problem. Actually writing it down in front of god and everybody has convinced me I need help–or at least, find out if help will do any good.

I hate computing, IT, data processing, whatever you want to call it. This loathing has been with me from the beginning, since I first started earning my living as a computer programmer in the eighties, and it got progressively worse as I pursued that career for a full thirteen years. It got even worse after I stopped programming and became a user of various kinds of mapping software.

I learned to program in college, FORTRAN, in the 60s and 70s. I was a very good programmer, both by my own estimation and by the testimony of my colleagues and my bosses. I took great pride in it. I loved converting complex mathematical algorithms describing subtle physical processes into elegant, concise, and easily understandable, maintainable, and modifiable code.

I thought of it as math and science, which I enjoyed and understood. What I didn’t like was the overhead; the collateral stuff you had to learn to execute your code: operating systems, file structures, user interfaces. I thought of that as busywork, bookkeeping. And as the technology changed, I had to keep learning new flavors of this overhead. FORTRAN was FORTRAN, mastering new dialects was not much of a problem. Even the other languages I dabbled in, like COBOL, PL/I, Pascal, and C were essentially the same. A chore to learn, and time-consuming to get good at, but doable.

But all the other paraphernalia that goes with getting your code to run on a particular environment or machine became progressively tedious, and I came to hate it. I didn’t mind going to a different machine or operating system, I’ve worked on PDP minis, IBM batch mainframes, HP-3000 and DG-VAX machines, UNIX Sun work station server-driven networks, and eventually Microsoft/Windows. My colleagues seem to love these new challenges, its how they seem to see their job–learning new systems. I came to despise them. I resented that until I could do my job, I first had to plow through the learning curve of a whole new technology first, knowing they were going to change it again on me before I really got any good at it.

I got out of programming in the 90s, and moved into applications as a user rather than a programmer. But even there, it seemed like a new computer, operating system, software package or application or other purely administrative factor kept getting between me and nature. When scanner and manual data entry began to be replaced by database entry in the mapping field, I had to learn about databases, a subject I wasn’t too bad at picking up, but again, they kept on changing the rules on me every week. Even writing a memo became a pain in the butt, “we have a standardized edit and file system now, all correspondence must henceforth be provided under XYZ Office Engine to be compatible with our new integrated Orifice Communications Management System”. Fuck that shit.

OK. I know keeping up with new tech was part of my job description. I’m not saying the industry should stop evolving so I can stay in my safe and comfortable bubble. I get that, I really do. That’s one of the reasons I jumped at the chance for early retirement when it presented itself. In essence, I loved the math and science, but I couldn’t stand the computing any more. And nobody seemed to be doing any engineering or scientific programming any more. The very definition of “coding” seemed to have changed. And the same problem is now following me into my strictly recreational computer use, as well as the ubiquity of digital technology infesting all our home devices, telephones, TVs, automobiles, sound reproduction, cameras, even household appliances. All of our routine administrative functions, mail, receiving pension checks, paying bills, banking, dealing with tradesmen, shopping, are becoming more and more dependent on digital aids and systems. Its taking over, like electricity and internal combustion did in the early 20th century. And I have come to despise it and fear it. The future is starting to feel hostile to me, for the first time in my life.

Why and how did this happen to me? By interest, education, work experience, I have demonstrated I’m not incapable of learning and mastering new technology. I just seem to have lost the desire or willingness to do so. Or maybe I’ve just become lazy.

Somebody help me.