Headline from a Washington Post article:
Uber Eats driver charged with murder in the shooting death of a customer, police say

I have so many questions…

If corporations are people, does this mean Uber is guilty of cannibalism?

Is Uber liable for a charge of obstruction of justice for engaging in vigilante justice? I mean, sure, a driver who shoots a customer is bad news, but shouldn’t they wait for the police to investigate and verify guilt?

And how, exactly, would a corporation consume a rogue employee? I mean, literally eat him/her, and keep in mind the idea of corporations being people was at most a metaphor. Would he/she be served up in the corporate cafeteria? Which one? Uber is a global company, and while in this case the driver killed the customer in Atlanta, there could be jurisdictional and extradition problems if a driver goes rogue in another country. He might have to be killed and eaten inside the border of the country in which the deed occurred.

An earlier version of the headline had it that “Uber Eats driver on the run after a customer was shot and killed”, which sounds both a tad disrespectful and quite messy. One would hope that proper decorum would be observed, and solemn speeches given and a moment of silence held. One should take one’s time with a fine meal, and savor it. A nice Chianti would be appropriate, I think, and perhaps a side of fava beans.

Just a thought.