When someone claims they have no prejudice, or says they ‘don’t see color’, I automatically wonder how much damage they have done in their smug self-confidence that they are not prejudiced. How many they have discriminated against for employment – rationalizing it in their minds : ‘sure, she is qualified- but I don’t think she would be a good fit for our team’, or for housing ‘Well, his credit is ok- but I don’t think he would really be happy living here’.. never considering for a moment that their own prejudices may be guiding their decisions….

That type of bigot can be every bit as harmful as a good ol’ boy that is a member of the Klan.

We are all human, and prejudice is part of the human condition- but we can recognize and try to correct for that weakness.

One thing I didn’t anticipate would happen as I aged- as I get older the less ‘real’ reality seems… it is hard to describe. I don’t mean this in a delusional way- I still accept ‘reality’ as it is, and take it seriously and act accordingly- but it all feels like an elaborate facade we are obligated to take seriously.

I suppose this sounds like the ramblings of an emo teen…

I have thoughts as to why I might feel this way- but in large part I guess I have gone from appreciating the absurdity of reality to feeling more and more incredulous about it all- as if each new episode of this show is getting increasingly unbelievable … reality has “jumped the shark“. This isn’t a reaction to the pandemic, it’s been developing since well before that. And I certainly am not meaning to suggest I am adopting an attitude of nihilism- I feel strongly about what is happening in reality and want to try and improve it. However-I CAN certainly see how it could easily lead to nihilism… and I feel it is important to NOT fall into that easy trap- nihilism is the coward’s way out of responsibility.

For now, its just a troubling undercurrent- a growing feeling always under the surface.

I am pretty sure an increasing number of people are feeling the same way- and that is probably not a good thing for our society.

Eventually he escaped and came to America, where he married my mother and became a kind and decent stepfather to me. I heard rumors that during his war he had done terrible things to his enemies, but I had no way of following up on the truth of those rumors–or perhaps I just chose not to.

He never really learned English, and I suspect he was illiterate in his own native tongue. But he worked very hard and he treated his new family very lovingly, and gently tolerated my mother’s increasingly hysterical temperament. He had an incredible sense of humor, which, from his example, I came to see as an appreciation of the total absurdity of existence. I was amazed at how such a simple man was able to come up with such an appropriate response to life. I have spent my own life trying to cultivate that same philosophy. Face the world with feigned indifference, a hidden smile, tongue in cheek and eyes rolled firmly back. Nothing makes sense, but you still have to deal with it. Its the only game in town.

He worked very hard until he was no longer able, then spent his last years in the country raising fighting cocks fot the arenas in Puerto Rico and rare birds for the flea market pet trade. He lived to a ripe old age, eventually succumbing to bone cancer, a terribly painful and excruciating death. He suffered greatly his last few months, while those who loved him were powerless to do anything to help him.

I think he appreciated the irony. I miss him terribly, but that does no one any good.

The world is a beautiful place
to be born into
if you don’t mind happiness
not always being
so very much fun
if you don’t mind a touch of hell
now and then
just when everything is fine
because even in heaven
they don’t sing
all the time

The world is a beautiful place
to be born into
if you don’t mind some people dying
all the time
or maybe only starving
some of the time
which isn’t half so bad
if it isn’t you

Oh the world is a beautiful place
to be born into
if you don’t much mind
a few dead minds
in the higher places
or a bomb or two
now and then
in your upturned faces
or such other improprieties
as our Name Brand society
is prey to
with its men of distinction
and its men of extinction
and its priests
and other patrolmen
and its various segregations
and congressional investigations
and other constipations
that our fool flesh
is heir to

Yes the world is the best place of all
for a lot of such things as
making the fun scene
and making the love scene
and making the sad scene
and singing low songs of having
inspirations
and walking around
looking at everything
and smelling flowers
and goosing statues
and even thinking
and kissing people and
making babies and wearing pants
and waving hats and
dancing
and going swimming in rivers
on picnics
in the middle of the summer
and just generally
‘living it up’

Yes
but then right in the middle of it
comes the smiling
mortician

Become the person you needed others to be for you, it might not have happened for you but you can make it happen for somebody else.

I have had good relationships, and relationships that nearly destroyed me utterly and completely- I have gotten a little better understanding people, their motivations and their hidden intents… but only a little- I have no understanding of how large groups of people can behave the way they do, how they can be so easily manipulated- I have come up with some very tentative hypotheses on how to live your life- probably best summed up by:

All of us are living a fiction, none of us get to write the plot, some of us- if we are very lucky- get bit parts in the fiction that influence the overall plot for the better. The only real input we have to the fiction is most, but not all, of us get some input into writing the character we play in this fiction- we can try to contribute a good character to the story- write one we would admire, and respect…

Or you can turn that authorship over to a ghost writer- let them write your character, let them tell you what you love, fear, hate and aspire to be- let them decide how you react to events in the plot.

Some completely hand over authorship to a romantic partner, some to the expectations of society, some to a charismatic political or religious leader, far too many hand it over to Fox News-

None of us get 100% control over the writing of our characters, but we should aspire to write as much of it as possible.

As for validating yourself, we all have the obligation of evaluating and understanding our own conduct, even though we must accept we are not always our own most objective judge of character. What better judge can there be than someone we have accepted as exceptional?

I suppose I’ve been very fortunate. I’ve had relationships with several exceptional persons, and although not all of them worked out, I don’t regret any of them.

But it is precisely those relationships which fail catastrophically that we must forever examine, not obsessively, but critically. It is the price we pay for those that were successful. Life is a lonely journey, sometimes a harsh one. But some times it is delightful.

Please forgive my philosophical meanderings. I don’t claim to be any wiser than anyone else. But I do know I am wiser now than I once was. That is the greatest gift of growing old.

I have had a relationship with a truly exceptional person but it wasn’t the kind of relationship I’d want again.