Now that the state of Texas has decided to fight abortions by passing legislation that relies on civil litigation for enforcement, the thought occurred to me, why stop there? Not only does this save the state from managing an expensive and cumbersome police apparatus to patrol the abortion industry, it also mobilizes the fundowacko religious contingent by giving them a mechanism to further interfere in women’s lives. The same logic could be applied to another social issue that seems near and dear to the knuckledraggers and troglodytes: illegal immigrants.

Foreigners enter the US illegally looking for economic opportunity, or to escape violence and tyranny in their home country. But in either case, they know they will need a job when they get here, and that Americans (especially those who whine loudest about illegal aliens) will be eager to hire them because they will be docile, intimidated workers ready to work for shit wages and unlikely to fight for their rights. Even those who have relatives here willing to take them in know that sooner or later they are going to need a job. Their documented families here also know this, otherwise they would not be putting themselves in the position of supporting their illegal relatives indefinitely. Like all other countries, the US has laws against hiring foreign workers without papers, but they are are spotty, inconsistent and rarely enforced. Attempts in Congress to put some teeth into these laws have been vigorously resisted by employer lobbies and Conservative politicians. After all, exploiting foreigners will always be more profitable than competing in a free market for American workers. If “Americans aren’t willing to do those jobs”, fine; raise salaries until they are! I’ll shovel shit if the pay is high enough. That’s called the free market. Deal with it.

You could then cut way back on our expensive and ineffective border security arrangements. Let them in, as long as they can’t work here, or apply for social services, they can be considered tourists. Their kids born here can become US citizens, we’ll need more Americans in the future the way birth rates are falling in the Western World in general, and the USA in particular. Besides, its a well-known fact that the kids of immigrants are often harder workers, better students, braver soldiers and more successful entrepreneurs than the ones whose families have been here for a while. Face it, every time you see a talking head physician or scientist or Silicon Valley engineer being interviewed on TV he’s usually Hispanic or Middle Eastern or Asian. Am I right?

And if there are constitutional issues involved, well, the Texas abortion law has given us a precedent, hasn’t it?

We can solve all these problems simultaneously by doing what Texas has done. Make hiring undocumented workers illegal, passing out fines and jail time to bosses and companies that insist on doing so. We won’t need a complex or expensive bureaucracy to locate and denounce the offenders, do what Texas has done by providing a mechanism that enlists the public to go after these criminals in civil court. The lawyers will love it, they’ll get to parasitize both sides! The word will get back to those countries that they can visit the US any time they want if they come here to spend money, but not if they want to send any back home.

Not only will this put a stop to those industries that hire illegals, it will also mean that individuals who hire gardeners, babysitters, handymen, maids, cooks, will have to start hiring our own homeless, aged, poor, teenagers, the disabled and other groups of US citizens who can’t find work. Sure, salaries may have to go up, but that’s WHY we have a free enterprise system, isn’t it? Sooner or later the Invisible Hand of the marketplace will find a fair and just equilibrium.

Maybe, just maybe, something good has finally come out of Texas.